THE INEVITABLE EXPIRATION OF THE EXTENDED WARRANTY

5 min readFeb 17, 2021

The Unlimited Telling of the Fantasy of Product or Service Warranty Coverage

EXPIRING AND ENDING

Not a day passes where I am not surrounded with endless reminders about my extended warranties and guarantees that are ending or expiring. I get email messages each day that remind me that I have expiring warranties and expiring guarantees. The fear looms large. I lose sleep at night knowing that my warranties and guarantees are expiring.

USELESS GUARANTEES

I have been given many useless guarantees throughout my life, and have given many myself. My clients will commonly hear me say things like “I guarantee this may work.” Or, “It has a lifetime guarantee that lasts as long as it lives.” Useless guarantees are given each day, and I’ll guarantee that.

FABULOUS FANTASIES

The writers of warranties and guarantees are the experts, the fabulous, the best fantasy writers. Imagine the creativity required to paint the perfect word picture, of the delivery of perfect customer success and support, by people that work for those that have no intent to deliver. Their stunning ability to craft the perfect words will make the perfect eulogy for the death and burial of customer support and service. I gravely press on.

LIMITED WARRANTY

Each product or service is usually delivered to the customer with a limited warranty, expressly implied, that defines the terms of which the company will service what it sold. It is important that these words are carefully crafted, so that the company essentially promises nothing while attempting to imply that it covers almost everything. But, like most marriage proposals and sales pitches, and me in a Speedo, it basically fails to cover most anything.

EXTENDED WARRANTY

The Extended Warranty, of course, becomes even more challenging for the crafty wordsmith. It needs to imply that the product or service is, of course, fully covered by the original, limited warranty, but this needs to be extended only because the product or service will likely last much longer than intended and may need replaced or fixed. It is often the true masterpiece, the perfect painting. It is usually defined to cover mostly things that don’t have much cost or much likelihood of breaking.

LIMITED DELIVERY

If the company intends to deliver on its promises in the limited or extended warranty, it needs to be sure to limit the delivery in such a way as to make it impossible to collect. Yes, if you have something that is covered under warranty, you can get the product or service replaced or fixed during the fifth full moon of the month, when the sun is shining at midnight, and the company has service representatives available. But, you’re more likely to discover politicians in government that aren’t corrupt.

WARRANTLESS

You may feel that my descriptions of guarantees and warranties are warrantless, but I speak from a lifetime of experiencing the frustration of the warranties: both explicit and implied. I have purchased products and services with warranties since the early days of my youth, and I have yet to successfully get something replaced or fixed. So tragically, I have just purchased another product or service and lived with the limited warranty.

CRAFTSMAN TOOLS

It makes me yearn for the days of my youth and going with my father to purchase the Craftsman tools at Sears. Sears placed a lifetime warranty on the Craftsman line of tools when they introduced them in 1927. When redeeming the warranty, the customer didn’t have to even prove that they had made the purchase. Sears simply replaced the tools with new tools without questions and without hassles.

EXTENDED NONSENSE

I have had warranties, both limited and extended, on cars, recreation vehicles, on houses, washers and dryers, and probably on a few of my cats. But, I’ve never successfully had a warranty repair. But, I’ve had the hope, the dream, the fantasy of the promise of the failure and the subsequent replacement.

EXTENDED PITCH

If I was selling the product, I’d try to be a little more honest. I’d say something like, “We’ve designed the product to fail early and fail often, because we want to suck money out of your wallet early and often. It is for this reason that you need to purchase our unlimited, extended warranty that is better than our limited warranty, which is also limited in every way. For, you see, our warranty is designed to protect our company, our attorneys, and our investors, and not you: our customer. But, if you don’t like it, we will let you talk to our Customer Success representatives, who will fight for your honor on our behalf.” But, that’s probably why they don’t let me sell them or write them.

MY PROMISE

I fail to deliver on my promises on most days. I often even forget them. I also kind of feel bad about it, when I finally remember them. Which is why I continue to “guarantee that it may work.” I’m going to do my best to not make the promises, if I have no intent to deliver, and I guarantee that. You can also purchase my extended warranty on this promise which covers most things that the limited warranty does not, except for anything expensive. But, I digress.

ME

I challenge all of you to “be better.” I try not to make promises, and I’d prefer to not get them from you either. Be better. Deliver good quality products and services. Feel free to follow my ramblings at the links listed below: